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  • Writer's pictureHanky

Cultivating a Perfect Stool

After many years of painstaking research, the Spuzzum Institute of Technology is proud to reveal its achievements for developing a newly patented product - Organic Steel Wool a.k.a. STOOL - procured only from Spuzzum’s own Steel Wool Sheep. We use this opportunity to lift a tip of the veil of secrecy that has shrouded this phenomenal technological breakthrough that we expect will revolutionize the fabric of our society.

What’s Organic Steel Wool (STOOL)?

Traditional steel wool, made from iron filings, is entirely synthetic and lifeless, serving no other purpose than to scrub and scour pots and pans - and therein lies the rub (no pun). Whereas our wool product is non-genetically-modified, gluten-free, totally organic matter, naturally grown, not bred, from Steel Sheep Seed (try to say that six times fast). Yes, these stools start out as pot plants, for two years, before they are released to mature in outdoor pastures, turning the vegetable into meat (see schematic on right). And it is the nurturing as potplants that determines the nature of the final product, which is classified into two very specific categories:

(1) SG stool = Shade-Grown variety which - like a good coffee - nourishes and warms your body on a cold day, thus making it most suitable for winter clothing; and (2) SR stool = Sun-Ripened type (like tomatoes) which - you guessed it - is the ideal material for beach wear.

Once weaned off the pot, the sweet lamb plants turn into happy grazers, that can live well on anything they find in the fields. The only “extra” on their menu is a dose of rust inhibitor (in liquid or tablet form) to be administered every 6-8 weeks - it greatly benefits the good health and quality of the stool. Two years after the stool got off the pot, it is ready to get sheared (or shorn?) for the first time. You can well understand that the annual fleecing of a stool is so much more arduous than with regular sheep - in addition to protective clothing it requires a steely determination and eager willingness to work with a very abrasive animal, that does not want to let go of its protective coat.

Stool Production

After shearing, the steel wool goes through a cleansing oil/alcohol bath and is then divvied up for various finishing procedures. A small portion, destined to be formed into traditional scouring pads, undergoes a process called “flinting” carried out by the niggards of the Spuzzum Institute skinflint department. But most of the material is prepared for the more lucrative clothing market by the Institute’s “finessing” operators, who use stool softeners (amongst other things) to enhance the bi-polar qualities of the organic steel wool. By aligning the fibres in accordance with the way they were on the live sheep, the “inside” of the garment - close to the body - is nice and soft, whilst the “outside” is razorsharp. It is this special weave that makes stool clothing stand out heads and shoulders over regular textiles, as it provides so many advantages, like ..........

Protection - even hundreds of years ago, long before anyone had ever heard

of synthetic fibres, only natural material were used to protect mankind from the elements and/or mishaps. Wool, cotton and linen usually served the purpose, leather was applied for more arduous conditions. And whenever ultimate protection was required - like for helmets, breastplates and chastity belts - only iron would fit the bill. Unfortunately, those early iron outfits, made of one or two pieces, were very cumbersome. But Spuzzum Institute stools can be spun into pliable yarn and knitted or woven into any pattern. Thus the comfort provided by regular textiles is achieved, whillst the protection provided by steel is maintained!

Hard-Wearing - It goes without say that the tougher the fibre, the more knocks the garment can take. Stool trousers, for instance, even after worn daily for many years, will not have shiny seats (other than the steely glint that was

there from the start). And there will never be any scuff marks on stool pants - on the contrary, the scuff marks will be found on the furniture that stool wearers have been sitting on frequently. Our Spuzzum warranty is that you will never have to get another stool pair of pants - however, you may have to replace your car seats at regular intervals.

Healthy - Stool outer garments provide a barrier that prevents the bearers of flu and cold bugs from cuddling up to you, thus greatly reducing the risk of infection. For even greater protection - including all Covid variants - we recommend that you complement your stool outfit with a “sscharff” - a necktie made from an sweaty, old stool sock stuffed with garlic. When you wear this full stool outfit, not many people will dare come face to face with you - they may confront you, but only from a very safe, very long distance. And remember: this social distancing protection is cumulative - for if you stick to this stool dress code permanently, you will over time receive fewer and fewer invitations to infectious parties. Guaranteed!

Ergonomic - Long lasting and minimal upkeep do make stool garments very economic. They never have to be washed, dry-cleaned or ironed - an occasional oil bath will keep off the rust and dust. And if you ever tire of your stool attire (though that is highly unlikely), remember that stool clothing is recyclable and organic bio-degradable! You may put it in the recyclables blue bin or in the green bin with the other compost.

Disclaimer - Not all stools are the same! You may get over-excited when you get your first stool garment - that’s perfectly natural. But if you get tempted to go dancing and tiptoeing through the tulips, tread carefully lest you step in another kind of stool!

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